Here's a wonderful Sylvia Plath quote from The Bell Jar:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
This explains very well how I feel about life right now. All of my figs contain the same lifestyle (with a home and books and nice clothes and enough to eat) and relationship (with Ash), but the way of supporting myself financially in each is different. I'm scared to reach out for the fig I want though, just in case it's a figment (pun very much intended) of my imagination, and my fingers pass through as though it was as insubstantial as smoke. The fig I had intended to pick fell to the ground long before I was tall enough to reach it.
My new dream is a reaction to finding out that the
'safe' academic job I had envisagedprobably got axed in university cut-backs
somewhere around the time I started my degree (hence the fallen fig), because I began my degree in 2008, just as the recession hit. This new dream might be an entirely
unrealistic one, but it's impossible to tell, because no-one has tried
it yet. I'd be a pioneer and that's scary. It would take a great deal of commitment, faith and hard-work.
I want to finish my PhD. I want to make a living for myself as a freelance historian and cemetery researcher. I want to market myself via a blog and social media and all the other wonders of the interneet, and raise awareness about the plight of historic cemeteries. I want to raise funds for restoration projects I could be employed in. I want to get involved with cemetery trusts/friends groups and preservation societies. I want to do genealogy research and local history projects. I want to take a Master's course in Human Osteology and work on rescue archaeology projects like crypt clearances. I want to do archival research or digitisation of cemetery records. I want to curate museum exhibits or exhibitions about funerary practice.
I WANT TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS. Or at least as many are humanly possible! Can someone find me 3 extra hours in the day? Or the secret to immortality?
In some ways I've already taken the first steps on this road and that should give me more faith in myself, but there are days when I can't ever believe that I will finish my PhD, let alone get a job in a related field! Most days the idea of doing free-lance work of any kind fills me with so much dread that I just want to go back to bed and hide! What if I end up sponging off Ash and my parents for another 5 years because I can't support myself?
But I have to try, don't I?
It's that or give up on my PhD right now, before I waste another penny and go and get a full time soul-crushing office job...
I'm not going to lie, some days that seems like a very attractive option, especially when I feel like the fact I'm currently on a leave of absence is a sign of weakness and proves 'I can't hack academia', but then one of my friends reminded me that the last time I took a break from education was before I started school when I was 4, and that during my degree I didn't even take a proper holiday (I worked during all of them), and I felt a bit less guilty.
It's all a haze and whirl of emotion and self-doubt right now, but...
I've decided to try.
I'm posting this as a pre-emptive apology if my blog gets neglected over the next few months. I'll be busy trying to built a ladder up to the fig I'm dreaming of!
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Merry Christmas (with added cats)!
I've had a very busy Christmas, seeing my mum's side of the family, my dad's side of the family and Ash's family too. I'm back at work tomorrow and I have a cold. I've had a very lovely time, but I'm tired as anything, so a proper blog post will have to wait until I'm feeling better.
In the meantime, here are the cat pictures I promised. I looked after these beauties for my friends while they were flat hunting in Sweden, a few weeks ago. They are Maine Coon cats, so big and fluffy!
This is Poppy and Macavity.
This is Dinah, who also answers to Princess Dinah Bear
This is Tybalt, using Ash as a climbing frame. See how big he is? Macca is even bigger than Tybs. They are seriously giant cats! Although Poppy is a lot smaller than the other three, she's still on the large side compared to most domestic moggies!
They are really loving and friendly cats. We had a really great week playing with them.
However, sometimes they get grumpy if you take photos of them with flash. Which resulted in this photo of Tybs:
And so I couldn't resist making this image (very roughly in a couple of minutes).
I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas, if you celebrate. Or Yule/Solstice, or Hanukkah (I know I'm very late) or Kwanzaa, or any other reason for celebration!
In the meantime, here are the cat pictures I promised. I looked after these beauties for my friends while they were flat hunting in Sweden, a few weeks ago. They are Maine Coon cats, so big and fluffy!
This is Poppy and Macavity.
This is Dinah, who also answers to Princess Dinah Bear
This is Tybalt, using Ash as a climbing frame. See how big he is? Macca is even bigger than Tybs. They are seriously giant cats! Although Poppy is a lot smaller than the other three, she's still on the large side compared to most domestic moggies!
They are really loving and friendly cats. We had a really great week playing with them.
However, sometimes they get grumpy if you take photos of them with flash. Which resulted in this photo of Tybs:
And so I couldn't resist making this image (very roughly in a couple of minutes).
I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas, if you celebrate. Or Yule/Solstice, or Hanukkah (I know I'm very late) or Kwanzaa, or any other reason for celebration!
Monday, 16 December 2013
Black, Blue and Bats
I'm sorry I've been away for so long, life keeps getting in the way of blogging!
I've been meaning to post this picture for a while.
Taken by Elisabeth at the late Halloween meet up for the midlands lolitas, in front of St Martin's church in the Bullring. Funnily enough, I used to work in the tea shop here! I didn't get to wear nice clothes around the place then! They did let me lock the front door of the church sometimes though, with a giant iron key the length of my forearm =]. This picture was taken before Andie ran across to help me straighten out the chiffon underskirt on my dress; it was tucked up into my petticoats =S
What I'm Wearing:
Underbust JSK: Surface Spell £45 via lolita sales on fb. The blue bow came with the JSK.
Blouse: RQ-BL from Sai Sai in Camden £32
Bag: Living Dead Souls, originally had a large red bow which I removed years ago, I added the felt bat and sequin stars to match the JSK. The bag is a bit of a 'lace monster' but I thought that was appropriate for a halloween meet! My mum brought me this bag because I didn't have a handbag for my Brother's wedding in 2007.
Tights: It's very hard to see but I was wearing blue tights under black star print ones. The blue tights were a gift, and the star ones were from Primark.
Boots: New Look £29.99
Hat: I know it doesn't show in this photo but I had blue roses on he back of my hat (also came with the JSK) and lots of black lace.
Coat: It's new. I brought it off a friend for £20, because I was the only person with small enough boobs to get it buttoned up! Supposed to be a size 10 but really isn't.
As an apology for being away I'll be posting cute cat photos soon, so watch this space!
I've been meaning to post this picture for a while.
Taken by Elisabeth at the late Halloween meet up for the midlands lolitas, in front of St Martin's church in the Bullring. Funnily enough, I used to work in the tea shop here! I didn't get to wear nice clothes around the place then! They did let me lock the front door of the church sometimes though, with a giant iron key the length of my forearm =]. This picture was taken before Andie ran across to help me straighten out the chiffon underskirt on my dress; it was tucked up into my petticoats =S
What I'm Wearing:
Underbust JSK: Surface Spell £45 via lolita sales on fb. The blue bow came with the JSK.
Blouse: RQ-BL from Sai Sai in Camden £32
Bag: Living Dead Souls, originally had a large red bow which I removed years ago, I added the felt bat and sequin stars to match the JSK. The bag is a bit of a 'lace monster' but I thought that was appropriate for a halloween meet! My mum brought me this bag because I didn't have a handbag for my Brother's wedding in 2007.
Tights: It's very hard to see but I was wearing blue tights under black star print ones. The blue tights were a gift, and the star ones were from Primark.
Boots: New Look £29.99
Hat: I know it doesn't show in this photo but I had blue roses on he back of my hat (also came with the JSK) and lots of black lace.
Coat: It's new. I brought it off a friend for £20, because I was the only person with small enough boobs to get it buttoned up! Supposed to be a size 10 but really isn't.
As an apology for being away I'll be posting cute cat photos soon, so watch this space!
Thursday, 28 November 2013
First Lolita Meet
These photos were taken a little while ago now, at my first meet with the Midlands Lolita Community, we were meeting to take a group photo for the Tea Party Club calender! Our month was September so we went for a back to school theme, with books and satchels, and tried to use autumnal colours in our co-ords =]
I don't have a wealth of autumnal colours in my tiny lolita wardrobe, so I tried to make it extra school-girly! My hair doesn't like co-operating though, so it was trying to escape from the pigtails! Also I couldn't find my fray-check to put on the ribbons so they are all messy at the ends =[
These pictures were taken by the lovely Florence of The Street Style Carousel; she did individual photos of us all while we were waiting for some late arrivals.
What I'm wearing:
JSK: Moi Meme Moitie via egl-comm-sales £85
Socks: Innocent World via egl-comm-sales £10
Blouse: Charity shop in Derby £3
Jacket: Miss Selfridge, gift
Petticoat: Ebay 5 years ago, I think it was £25. I really need a poofier one though!
Detachable lace collar: New Look, I think I got it for £5 with a special offer
Shoes: Primark £8
Hat: Peacocks £9.99
Cameo Brooch: Junk Shop in Minehead £2.50
Star Brooch: Sugarpinkmoon on Etsy £5
Flower Clips: H&M £1.99
I can't wait to see which group picture gets selected for the calender! Many thanks again to Florrie, both for these pictures, the group shots and having to put up with people stopping to ask her what we were doing all day! Also a big thanks to all the Mid Lolis for making me feel so welcome, you guys are the sweetest =]
I don't have a wealth of autumnal colours in my tiny lolita wardrobe, so I tried to make it extra school-girly! My hair doesn't like co-operating though, so it was trying to escape from the pigtails! Also I couldn't find my fray-check to put on the ribbons so they are all messy at the ends =[
These pictures were taken by the lovely Florence of The Street Style Carousel; she did individual photos of us all while we were waiting for some late arrivals.
JSK: Moi Meme Moitie via egl-comm-sales £85
Socks: Innocent World via egl-comm-sales £10
Blouse: Charity shop in Derby £3
Jacket: Miss Selfridge, gift
Petticoat: Ebay 5 years ago, I think it was £25. I really need a poofier one though!
Detachable lace collar: New Look, I think I got it for £5 with a special offer
Shoes: Primark £8
Hat: Peacocks £9.99
Cameo Brooch: Junk Shop in Minehead £2.50
Star Brooch: Sugarpinkmoon on Etsy £5
Flower Clips: H&M £1.99
I can't wait to see which group picture gets selected for the calender! Many thanks again to Florrie, both for these pictures, the group shots and having to put up with people stopping to ask her what we were doing all day! Also a big thanks to all the Mid Lolis for making me feel so welcome, you guys are the sweetest =]
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Butterfly Tights
I've been wanted to get a pair of Grimoire's Verum butterfly tights for ages, but even if I could get my head around the ordering process I couldn't really justify spending so much on tights. I'm too clumsy; what if I laddered them on the first wear?! So instead I've been idly typing butterfly tights into ebay and etsy every couple of weeks, hoping to find an alternative. After about a year of doing this, I got a hit on Etsy for some suspiciously similar tights. The first 2 pictures were clearly of Grimoire's tights (I've since realised that the first was the stock photo from their webstore) but the 4th photo was of a different but similar design. I decided to risk it for £6.39 and free shipping.
When the tights arrived I'm happy to say they did in fact match the 4th photo. I'm actually very pleased because I would have been unhappy about wearing tights that were a successful replica (art theft and all that). The print is the same on the front and back and so doesn't match well on the sides (but for the price I won't grumble). I should have taken a picture of them out of the packet to show them better. They look darker in my pictures as I had black thermal tights underneath because of the cold weather!
I put together a quick outfit to go with them and went a bit overboard with the accessories to match the colours in the tights!
What I'm Wearing:
Jacket: Miss Selfridge
Blouse: H&M (altered by me)
Black Skirt: River Island
Cream Lace Skirt: New Look
(this outfit is actually quite similar to this one, I didn't notice until now)
Tights: Etsy
Brooches and Necklaces: Light Blue Brooch and Glass Bead Necklace from charity shops, Green Brooch, Celtic Cross Brooch and Dark Crystal Necklace were gifts
Boots: New Look
Beret: H&M
Sorry for the bad photos, these were taken in the toilets of a local department store when I was doing a quick bit of Xmas Shopping. I spent most of the day sitting in the pub (with a hot chocolate) writing for NaNoWriMo!
I've just passed the 10,500 word mark so I'm very behind at the moment! My only excuse is that the lovely boyfriend took me to a spa hotel for a few days to relax =] I'm going to try to do 2,500 words a day until I'm back on track. Good luck to anyone else doing NaNoWriMo!
When the tights arrived I'm happy to say they did in fact match the 4th photo. I'm actually very pleased because I would have been unhappy about wearing tights that were a successful replica (art theft and all that). The print is the same on the front and back and so doesn't match well on the sides (but for the price I won't grumble). I should have taken a picture of them out of the packet to show them better. They look darker in my pictures as I had black thermal tights underneath because of the cold weather!
I put together a quick outfit to go with them and went a bit overboard with the accessories to match the colours in the tights!
Jacket: Miss Selfridge
Blouse: H&M (altered by me)
Black Skirt: River Island
Cream Lace Skirt: New Look
(this outfit is actually quite similar to this one, I didn't notice until now)
Tights: Etsy
Brooches and Necklaces: Light Blue Brooch and Glass Bead Necklace from charity shops, Green Brooch, Celtic Cross Brooch and Dark Crystal Necklace were gifts
Boots: New Look
Beret: H&M
Sorry for the bad photos, these were taken in the toilets of a local department store when I was doing a quick bit of Xmas Shopping. I spent most of the day sitting in the pub (with a hot chocolate) writing for NaNoWriMo!
I've just passed the 10,500 word mark so I'm very behind at the moment! My only excuse is that the lovely boyfriend took me to a spa hotel for a few days to relax =] I'm going to try to do 2,500 words a day until I'm back on track. Good luck to anyone else doing NaNoWriMo!
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Full Halloween Ensemble
Here's the rest of what I wore on All Hallow's Eve! After spending so much time on the hat, the rest was really just thrown together from clothes I normally wear, with added dramatic make-up!
What I'm wearing:
Hat: See more in this post
Dress: Titania Dress by All Saints, got it in a mega sale a few years ago, I think it was either £27 or £29. I love this dress but I don't wear it often because it's a tad unflattering in the stomach area! I think I need to get some control pants/tights. However, it has skeletal fairies on it so it had to be worn for this outfit!
Lace Dress Underneath: The Titania Dress is a little low and I wanted more lace at the bottom, I got this from a clothes swap
Crochet Skirt: From a charity shop, also seen in this post.
Lace Waistcoat: Lily J in Camden. I think it was quite expensive, maybe £20.
Shawl: The fabric I tattered to be the over-skirt on my zombie prom outfit!
Necklace: A bunch of vintage keys on a chain
Belt: Primark £3
I'm trying to look mysterious and forbidding in these photos, like I'm about to summon the powers of darkness or something. Not sure it worked, I think I just look a bit miffed! =P
Just a warning, for the rest of November I may be posting sporadically, if at all, because I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year!
Hat: See more in this post
Dress: Titania Dress by All Saints, got it in a mega sale a few years ago, I think it was either £27 or £29. I love this dress but I don't wear it often because it's a tad unflattering in the stomach area! I think I need to get some control pants/tights. However, it has skeletal fairies on it so it had to be worn for this outfit!
Lace Dress Underneath: The Titania Dress is a little low and I wanted more lace at the bottom, I got this from a clothes swap
Crochet Skirt: From a charity shop, also seen in this post.
Lace Waistcoat: Lily J in Camden. I think it was quite expensive, maybe £20.
Shawl: The fabric I tattered to be the over-skirt on my zombie prom outfit!
Necklace: A bunch of vintage keys on a chain
Belt: Primark £3
I'm trying to look mysterious and forbidding in these photos, like I'm about to summon the powers of darkness or something. Not sure it worked, I think I just look a bit miffed! =P
Just a warning, for the rest of November I may be posting sporadically, if at all, because I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year!
Monthly Theme: Sweaters!
Or as we call them in the UK; jumpers!
I love to snuggle up in a cosy jumper at this time of year; especially at work where my office is freezing cold!
With that in mind I popped into Primark last week to get myself another jumper for work. I didn't expect to find them stocking a range of Halloween clothes! I brought these 2 jumpers, a t-shirt with bats on it and some skeleton socks =]
The bat patches are made from faux leather and the jumper is nice and warm =] My hair looks dreadful in this picture because I ran out of my good conditioner on that day and so it's acting up, I do apologise! I don't like the turtle neck with this outfit either, but I was going to a bonfire party and wanted my neck to be warm! Next time I'm going to wear it with a peter pan collar =]
What I'm wearing:
Bat Jumper: Primark £14
Black Skirts: River Island via clothes swap and New Look
Leggings: H&M £7.99
I took a worn picture of the second jumper before work one day but it was too blurry and I didn't notice until this morning, so here's a very quick snap of it on the bed!
The ghost part is very fluffy and soft! It has tiny sequins on it too, and whilst I'm not a huge fan of sparkle I think it's quite a cute touch so I'm leaving them on for now! This one was £14 too.
Of course a jumper is for life, not just for Halloween =P These will both be a part of my wardrobe all winter =]
Thanks to Sophistique Noir for such a fun monthly theme!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
